Thursday, July 30, 2009

the fire down unda

i have a passion for hot food. i mean really hot food. just to be clear, i like eating habanero peppers whole, drenching my food with dave's insanity sauce, and licking my blazin wings wing basket when those little culinary gems are no more.

i LOVE hot food.

...and until recently it has always been good to me. never had any trouble. the reason i say recently is because the last couple hot food ventures have left me feeling a little jaded. at first everything is fine. fiery heaven. the sinuses are clearing, the pores trickling tiny beads of sweat that cool your hair in the breeze of the fan. but then as i sit down to relax in the sweet heat i get a little burp. not the manly roaring belch im familiar with, but this slow bubbly creeping burp that is somewhat reminiscent of barbecuey stomach acid. then the heart burn then im fine.

that wasnt so bad i thought at first. but then as i woke up and started my morning routine i had the sudden need for a bathroom. when i say sudden i mean now or never. even if you were in the shower bushing your teeth and had a mouthful of toothpaste you had to go immediately and it just didnt matter. (unless you prefer the mess that would inevitably follow for the sake of rinsing out your mouth and drying off).

"So" you might say "everyone has been there" who hasn't had a stomach virus and all the fun that comes along with it.

you would be right. quite right indeed if not for the addition of last nights meal having been the hottest thing imaginable. this wasnt no louisiana hot sauce or jalapeno slices ok. we're talking about stuff that will eat the grease stains off you driveway coming out of you at lightning speed and the consistency of warm butter. LOL thats just gross. i crack me up! im laughing so hard right now i cant see the screen. its just wrong.

for further imagery, the aftermath was something like what i might imagine holding a hot coal between your cheeks would feel like, for the next 30 min or so. to make it worse, this happened several more time throughout the coarse of the day. only this time you knew exactly what was coming. try preparing yourself for that. its just not possible. even better try avoiding doing it while your at work and trying to carry on business as usually only to finally give in and go running down the hall and find yourself uncontrollably audible in the public restroom, in which the sounds and screams are reverberated and echoed throughout the building thanks to the tile floors and glossy walls which seem to encourage people to listen in for miles around. now try and exit the restroom with any dignity left and get back to work.

as you have probably gathered (if your still reading and havent given up due to the graphic case of too much info) i did not enjoy this experience. the first time was tragic. i felt like i had lost a friend. the second time was just as bad and maybe a little disappointing as any hope of the first time being a fluke was horribly flushed away. ( <---my best effort at a pun) and now any time i crave the awesomeness of extremely hot food i have to remind myself of the new found consequences and weigh heavily the options.

last night i treated myself to bw3's. it was glorious! today i am paying the price. it is costly.

i am a glutton for punishment.



  1. Eeewww! Guys are SO GROSS. Why do we chicks dig you guys again anyway? I'm suddenly drawing a blank on that one.

  2. I am cracking up... Matt, your powers of description are unparalleled!

    By the way, I do feel kind of personally responsible - the next time we offer to take the kids I will send a big old bottle of Maalox along with you. :)

  3. Imagery so vivid I can almost feel the burn. Now that's what blogging is all about!