Tuesday, September 14, 2010

camping, woohoo. Demo for chris.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


boom baby, im back! thought id drop in and see if anyone is still list-nin. ive always got something to say it just dont always make sense.

fortunately for you i come with porpoise.... ecka, ecka ECKA, and up on zee tail, EeeEeeEEeeee...... ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BQiSdpm0Ow ),

well now i should get down to da bidness. i am so happy. im happy alot actually, even when im not feeling happy i try to adopt a good attitude because i know that despite how im feeling i really am happy.

den dares doze times when im just not happy. times like these are not angry, they are not fearful, they are deep dark sad hatred. dont ask me why. because i cant tell you. all i know is thats how i feel. not as an option. i dont want to be near anyone let alone talk to them. everyday conversation is painful. smiling at people and carrying on like everything is just so. fighting back tears and trembling. for the past few years i have struggled with hating myself. furiously. not as a lifestyle, but on occasion. like a wave washing over me. i know its coming. i watch it happen. and i cant fight back.

its a long sad story to tell and a longer one to read im sure. but i think it has something to do with my childhood and then the guilt of my adolescent failures all piled up on top of each other.

the point though is not that im feeling sorry for myself in all the guilt and hate i have dealt with. but joy im currently experiencing for whats seems to be a victorious battle over the well being of myself. with myself.... i beat myself in a battle against myself for myselves well being..... you follow?

so yeah. at this particular time. i am at full capacity for the things that normally trigger such events. only days ago i knew that i was sliding way down and there was no end in sight. but today i sit here cheerful and positive and totally ready for anything the next day may bring. and i dont know why.

i would like to take this opportunity to thank god. for my family, my friends and my church, and everything that we've experienced together in the past ten years, that has brought me to the point im at now.

im sure i will always struggle from time to time with the things that are in me. but i dont fear them. and god has shown me clearly his work in my life. i dont have to wonder if hes there, i dont have to have faith that he will accomplish his will in me. i dont have to know what hes doing or why. the longer i live with him, despite my shortcomings, i will always be able to see where he has brought me from and all he has accomplished in me. theres proof in living.

put your faith in christ and he will put the proof in your life.

thats all i got to say.

wierd huh ?

l8r v8r