Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Easy as pie.

pie huh?.? what is the big deal. i like pie....you like pie....some people make pie some people buy pie. some people have mothers who make real pie as opposed to fake pie. me i just eat pie. its all good. i have not had bad pie. i have had better pie. but certainly not bad pie.

tonight. matt makes pie.

matt makes glaze, matt makes crust, matt puts stuff together and sticks it in the oven. matt makes pie.

i have this hatred of all things not fatty salty or hot. pretty much. meat takes the cake. but even i do eat pie. i love apple pie, peach pie, sugar cream pie, and raspberry pipe. its all good baby! but what i like less than sweet baked goods (other than pie) is baking. while we are on that subject, i love bread. and still hate to bake. baking is most evil, only second to computers.

tomorrow is church dinner night and we are making pie and eggs. yeah i know so exciting right? well its cheap and we already have most of the stuff we need. so eggs and pie it is. but whos to make the pie. matt.

so i tell myself, you can do this. just do it. what do we need i ask myselves. well sirs we shall come prepared. knives, of course we need knives. and all that other stuff, but knives are the most important part.

so i go to this web page and it is obviously like SOME people i know who think that cooking is sacred. first place the butter into the freezer. but the freezer can have nothing else in it but butter so there is no risk of contaminating the butter. the precious butter. in fact it would be a good idea to just buy a new freezer so you can neatly display all of your butter cut into half inch by half in cubes on trays exactly two inches apart on organic wax paper so as to not contaminate the butter with the metal or the inferior by product wax. then baby sit the butter. it needs to chill for ten to twenty five minutes. not less not more but the perfect place in between or else you will not get the perfect crust. on a side note you will need to employ a skilled appliance technician to install an insulated glass front on your new butter chilling freezer with custom insulated rubber glove inserts so you will be able to poke the butter incrementally every five seconds until it is exactly right. so after babysitting the butter we move on to the dry ingredients. if you dont get the butter right the first time dont worry, it happens to everyone. just start all over and spare no time or cost in order to get the perfect butter for your perfect crust.....its a small sacrifice.

place all of your dry ingredients into your food processor. pulse exactly six and three quarter time. no less, no more. or its RUINED. take you perfect butter at exactly the right time from the freezer that you have been poking in you newly altered new butter chilling freezer while preparing the dry ingredients. (you will be required to grow extra arms and hands for this recipe, again, a small sacrifice.) add butter cubes, pulse then add liquid ice. .....?.....? yes liquid ice......WHAT!?!....you've never heard of liquid ice!

what kind of person are you. its not water, its not ice, its liquid ice. and if you dont have it you may as well just give up now.

your ice is now added to the mixture and you will pulse but thrice more. and its ready. stick your hands directly into liquid nitrogen...it will only hurt for a moment i assure you.... handle the dough with your rock solid frozen hand only and chill for somewhere between 1 and 67000 hours. you van never be to sure. when the dough is thoroughly chilled roll it out with a rolling pin shaped piece of frozen aluminum dipped in organic wax and dipped in liquid nitrogen and dusted with flour. and gently place into pie stone pie pan with your freshly frozen hands then......PLACE INTO A PREHEATED OVEN AT 350 DEGREES FOR A FREAKING HOUR!

bake the crap out of that frozen tundra of a pie and let everyone tell you how its the best thing they have ever tasted in their whole life and i hope it makes you feel good.

me. i gots some flour, some salt, some sugar, some butta, and some water. slap it in a bowl throw it in the fridge and bake it for an hour and im gonna smother that stuff in ice cream and wash it down with a big ole glass of milk. cause thats the way its sposed to be.

leave it to people to make life complicated. take a cue from your recipe and chill dude.



Friday, November 13, 2009


"if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice", these are the famous lyrics from RUSH, in a song entitled Freewill, and i find it so peculiar that this is true. its so simple yet consistently true. in-arguably true. just try not to make a decision. you cant. you could choose neither yes or no but you have indeed decided and thats the point.

so much of our lives is the choices we make. not important life changing decisions but moment to moment decisions that are necessary for functioning on a very basic level. when you are conscious in the morning you choose to open your eyes, stretch roll over, get out of bed, walk, step over toys, make your way to your chosen destination, all while calculation how much time you have before work, then prioritizing your tasks in that time and what clothes you'll wear and food you'll eat.

thats only upon waking and going to the toilet to pee. just imagine for a moment what kinds of choices you make everyday and then the factors that weigh on your decisions. despite the consequences of your actions that were based on choices more choices lie ahead and there always will. inescapable.

well, short and sweet is the vehicle for progress. i bid you adieu.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


ok people. i know your world revolves around me so let me say " so soddy so soddy"
i had no intention of leaving you hangin like that. actually i had originally had no intention of dragging you along at all. but know that we are here i cant bear the guilt of just dropping you cold.

so first order of bidness be my boss. AKA Harley.... which is short for, - hardly does anything. he has been a major source of entertainment lately. for starters he has this look. its this raised eyebrows mouth slinked open whadya go in do dad fer kinda look. he does it when hes mad about something. usually something like him being the boss and me not caring and doing what i want anyway. so then comes the look. then come my less than respectful responses which include but are not limited to....

1. why should i start listening to you now?
2.is that just a suggestion or do you actually expect me to do it your way?
3.dude just shut up and let me do my job.
4. Bite Me!

so about a week ago i perfectly perfected in the most perfect way "his look" ...(i already stole his 'tch'). and so now when things get tense i just give HIM the look. and voila, tension neutralized. also, when i say stolen i dont mean i knocked it off and he still uses it despite my harassment. i mean i stole it. since the day he got mad and i did his look and he laughed now he is incapable of doing his look (cause i have it) because he sees it on my face in his head and he starts laughing which gets me out of trouble every time....

so im not manipulative or anything, but as far as i can tell, i have become invincible to any anger or disappointment from my management. Mwahahahaha!


so, that being said my work has been at times long and miserable, but always fun. i have like the greatest boss i could imagine. so much so that im pretty much spoiled for working anywhere else like ever. i have only had my un-submissive attitude toward all and any authority nurtured and encouraged.....im tainted goods :D

well short and sweet ought to be the best way to wedge this waste of energy into my already insufficient amount of day. STUPID lack of day!