Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Easy as pie.

pie huh?.? what is the big deal. i like pie....you like pie....some people make pie some people buy pie. some people have mothers who make real pie as opposed to fake pie. me i just eat pie. its all good. i have not had bad pie. i have had better pie. but certainly not bad pie.

tonight. matt makes pie.

matt makes glaze, matt makes crust, matt puts stuff together and sticks it in the oven. matt makes pie.

i have this hatred of all things not fatty salty or hot. pretty much. meat takes the cake. but even i do eat pie. i love apple pie, peach pie, sugar cream pie, and raspberry pipe. its all good baby! but what i like less than sweet baked goods (other than pie) is baking. while we are on that subject, i love bread. and still hate to bake. baking is most evil, only second to computers.

tomorrow is church dinner night and we are making pie and eggs. yeah i know so exciting right? well its cheap and we already have most of the stuff we need. so eggs and pie it is. but whos to make the pie. matt.

so i tell myself, you can do this. just do it. what do we need i ask myselves. well sirs we shall come prepared. knives, of course we need knives. and all that other stuff, but knives are the most important part.

so i go to this web page and it is obviously like SOME people i know who think that cooking is sacred. first place the butter into the freezer. but the freezer can have nothing else in it but butter so there is no risk of contaminating the butter. the precious butter. in fact it would be a good idea to just buy a new freezer so you can neatly display all of your butter cut into half inch by half in cubes on trays exactly two inches apart on organic wax paper so as to not contaminate the butter with the metal or the inferior by product wax. then baby sit the butter. it needs to chill for ten to twenty five minutes. not less not more but the perfect place in between or else you will not get the perfect crust. on a side note you will need to employ a skilled appliance technician to install an insulated glass front on your new butter chilling freezer with custom insulated rubber glove inserts so you will be able to poke the butter incrementally every five seconds until it is exactly right. so after babysitting the butter we move on to the dry ingredients. if you dont get the butter right the first time dont worry, it happens to everyone. just start all over and spare no time or cost in order to get the perfect butter for your perfect crust.....its a small sacrifice.

place all of your dry ingredients into your food processor. pulse exactly six and three quarter time. no less, no more. or its RUINED. take you perfect butter at exactly the right time from the freezer that you have been poking in you newly altered new butter chilling freezer while preparing the dry ingredients. (you will be required to grow extra arms and hands for this recipe, again, a small sacrifice.) add butter cubes, pulse then add liquid ice. .....?.....? yes liquid ice......WHAT!?!....you've never heard of liquid ice!

what kind of person are you. its not water, its not ice, its liquid ice. and if you dont have it you may as well just give up now.

your ice is now added to the mixture and you will pulse but thrice more. and its ready. stick your hands directly into liquid nitrogen...it will only hurt for a moment i assure you.... handle the dough with your rock solid frozen hand only and chill for somewhere between 1 and 67000 hours. you van never be to sure. when the dough is thoroughly chilled roll it out with a rolling pin shaped piece of frozen aluminum dipped in organic wax and dipped in liquid nitrogen and dusted with flour. and gently place into pie stone pie pan with your freshly frozen hands then......PLACE INTO A PREHEATED OVEN AT 350 DEGREES FOR A FREAKING HOUR!

bake the crap out of that frozen tundra of a pie and let everyone tell you how its the best thing they have ever tasted in their whole life and i hope it makes you feel good.

me. i gots some flour, some salt, some sugar, some butta, and some water. slap it in a bowl throw it in the fridge and bake it for an hour and im gonna smother that stuff in ice cream and wash it down with a big ole glass of milk. cause thats the way its sposed to be.

leave it to people to make life complicated. take a cue from your recipe and chill dude.



1 comment:

  1. Comedic genius, dude. Absolute comedic genius.