Wednesday, August 26, 2009

i should be sleepin

its about 12:40 now as i sit here and just begin to post for the day. you wouldnt know it though because i have not had the motivation to change the time on my blog. maybe some day.

i think i might fall asleep at any moment, but my fingers just keep going. its kind of involuntary at this point. my body is shut down but my brain is forcing my fingers to move clumsily about the board. which in addition to my already shoddy search and peck form typing makes for some pretty gruesome typos.

me sleeping while blogging

i like to laugh. tonight mrs floyd and myself searched far and wide for some entertainment only to settle upon "wipeout" the tv series that we had not, until this evening, had the pleasure of partaking in our viewing repertoire. i laughed until i felt like puking. that was no fun. but the experience as a whole is something i will definitely enjoy again in the future.

i managed to keep a lighter heart today toward those of lesser scruples. same kids, same crap, but a much calmer happier me.

i feel a period deepness coming on. im not sure how long it will last this time, but now and again i seem to just autopilot for a few days. still happy still funny still me, just all locked up inside. everything still gets in fine but not much comes out. i recall the months after i was saved from my former life and made anew, i spent countless hours each day just thinking. not reading, or talking or watchin the tube. just thinking incessantly about everything in great detail and exploring all tangents and theorising outcomes and of random scenarios.

i obviously dont have much time to do anything non productive these days. when i am awake i am required to be making my body useful almost the entire time. i dont have much opportunity to sit and do nothing. i think that maybe why i have enjoyed writing so much. i still feel slightly useful and have a sense of accomplishment even if it is derived from the motivation to please myself. apparently i have to justify my pleasures in life in such a way that it means something more than just i want it. or i deserve it or whatever. as much as i want to, i just cant buy into the whole im doin this for me cause i deserve it camp cause the guilt that comes along with it is so not worth the small reward of pleasure. i have lots of leisure activities and lots of friends to socialize with on lazy weekend afternoons. but all of those things are busy stuff. my idea of personal reward would be time alone and without expectation and no guilt. unfortunately i cannot give myself such a thing nor is it something anyone else could offer. its simply unattainable.

leave it to me to want something i cant have. long for something that doesnt exist. i hope in heaven there is a place for a wandering mind. i dont want to know everything. i just want to think about it and whatever else comes up and not have all of the answers to questions so i may revisit interesting puzzling things from time to time. some people read for entertainment. i have always envied such people. but i find that my mind does not allow me to focus well enough to be committed to it. in short stints maybe, but not entire books. i like lots of em but i can count on one hand the number i have read cover to cover.

im not well educated, and i find a new level of my ignorance around every corner. but despite my lack of knowledge my mind is somewhat sharp. it may be all jumbled up at times but there are some profound and delightful bouts of thinking going on.

well there is no stopping point in sight so im calling it quits. good night and God bless.

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