Wednesday, September 2, 2009

roll over beethoven

well im not apologizing for my selfishness as of late. but i will say that i am surrounded by people who are too good to me and thank God for his grace and for life that i am not deserving of. i have lifted spirits no doubt to some loving kindness and words of wisdom. reality is still heavy but the way i feel inside is calm and collected. not that crazy stuff.

thanks for everything yous whos names shall not be all know who you are.

well today i brings you tales of the sad broken coworker whos ailments are never ending and ever worsening. this year a record of over three weeks unscheduled time off has been tallied. and hes still employed. is this crazy? i mean dont get me wrong i dont want the guy to loose his job, actually i rather enjoy working with him. its just amazing to me that this is even possible.

when i was employed previously for others i was given points, and warnings and reprimands and such, for tardiness. let alone unexcused absences. (which is a whole other miracle which we wont elaborate on.... but i have been given more than my fair share of tolerance for tardiness-thanks greg) but just not showing up at all is a real show stopper. even worse is the "cough,cough, hey(sounding weak and wounded) do you need me today?" which before i get going i will say, why even ask if your not intending to come in any way? cause what like the boss is gonna say yah man we kinda need you here today, and then your like, oh, ok, i guess i will be there after all....riiiight.

so yeah, the real crazy part is hes not even sick. sure maybe he doesnt feel good, but definitely not cant come to work sick.

well how do you know? you might ask. what if he is sick. your just being insensitive. well i wont disagree with you there.

insensitive is my middle name. ask my wife. i am learning to do better when it comes to realizing emotional and rational thinking are not congruent. that feeling a certain way has nothing to do with reality. i experience it myself but i try to deny it until it slams down on me like a nine pound hammer rendering my senseless and curled up in a ball under the table.

but when it comes to work. LEAVE YOUR FEELINGS AT HOME. you are not my wife, you are not my kids, you are not someone i want to talk to about your owies and heartache. you have a job to do same as me and unless you are incapable of breathing you need to man up and getrdun.

working with nausea and diarrhea are not my fondest memories at work. but there were periods between such events that i accomplished great deals of work that needed to be done and may not have gotten done had i not shown up. so what if you cut your finger half off. it only takes an hour or so to stitch it up. get some pain meds and a bite to eat and youve still got a full day ahead of you. before i go to work... which i never feel like doing(seriously why would want to leave the company of my family)... i plan on illness, injury, and working late. anything on that list manages to find itself absent in my day and im all the more happy.

just so you understand what we are dealing with here i will tell you briefly the events that have taken place the last few days and i am not exaggerating.

thursday coworker arrives with elastic wrap on wrist and com plains of swelling and pain. he removes wrap to reveal to me two completely normal wrists and says "look at how big it is compared to the other one." to which i respond "which one is it?"

from that point on most of the crawling carrying doing anything work related work was left to me. to avoid injuring further painfully swollen not swollen wrist.

friday we work in less than sanitary conditions and the one armed bandit assisted me as i crawled around in it. interestingly enough when i saw him saturday, he was the one that was sick, he claimed.

which was the set up.

monday morning like clockwork he phone the boss and said his throat hurt so bad he couldnt touch it.....

What does that even mean!

who touches their throat and what relevance does it have to coming in to work you lazy bum.

so tuesday of course he did not come to work. why? because he was going to the doctor. the walkin clinic doctor. why tuesday and not monday? great question.

so wednesday he did arrive to work but not with any enthusiasm as you might imagine. thats the system. act sick, miss work, come back to work, dont work while trying to get sympathy for a sickness you didnt have that you are currently trying to convince us you did have by your lousy display of acting sick.

so the most interesting part is yet to come.

today his problem is not his throat. the doctor didnt think he had strep and didnt think he needed testing. just threw some antibiotics at it and said "if it isnt a virus this should kill it." see, im not the only insensitive one.

yah, so now that theres no reasonable explanation for missing work what does one do but up the ante. the following is again not exaggeration.

"look, i cant blink my eye" blink blink." see, eye can blink this one but the other one wont blink" blink blink.

i question" so you cant close your eye?"

"well, if i close this eye i can shut the other one. but if i just try to blink, (which is the action of shutting your eye) i cant blink this one." blink blink.

"well....thats weird" what else could i say. LIAR!

but that would just be mean.

so then later on he looks at me and says " i cant even smile with this side of my face (same side as the eye that "wont" blink) see, -smiles with half of his face"

"yeah dude i think my polio is coming back"

at the time i did not mention it but what he meant was bells palsy which is something he claims to have had as a youngin, and i wont deny it.

but still its funny that HE doesnt know what it is and i do and he never had polio as he did not contract the poliomyelitis viral illness and did not become paralyzed as a result.

so after a good six hour work day he went home 2o'clock to get ready for his 330o'clock doctors appointment. at which he hopes to get steroids for his condition which is what the gave him for his lasts episode that was either lime disease or multiple sclerosis. it was a toss up between the two. ???? but any who it was neither. go figure. but they did give him some steroids for his eye that was hurt. not to be confused with the eye that is currently "not" blinking but is shutting when the other one shuts.

but i think that he forgot that the steroids was for that and not for the polio... i mean bells palsy. my bad. i know which diseases i have. dont patronize me!

well, its a five year long story of crazy illness and missing persons but i dont have the energy.

i did stay home with my family tonight and i so need to. except for the shopping outing for middle guy and smallish guy whos birthdays it is this weekend. 1 and 3. thanks again to josh for her making that possible. mucho too mucho.

feelin good. like a latin man should.


  1. Wow. People can be so annoying. A year and a half ago I had a chemical burn to my cornea - my eye watered and I had excrutiating pain and light sensitivity. What did I do? I just worked with an eye patch on! Arggggg!

  2. Some people just don't have the good ol' MidWestern work ethic eh? It is much better to show up sick and have your boss send you home than to call in sick.

  3. The "not" blinking thing makes about as much sense as one hand clapping.

  4. I wanted to let you know this made me laugh so hard, something I desperately needed right now. I am catching up on your blog and have added you to my favorites. I didn't know Chris' husband was so darn funny. I will keep reading!