Easy as pie.

pie huh?.? what is the big deal. i like pie....you like pie....some people make pie some people buy pie. some people have mothers who make real pie as opposed to fake pie. me i just eat pie. its all good. i have not had bad pie. i have had better pie. but certainly not bad pie.


tonight. matt makes pie.

matt makes glaze, matt makes crust, matt puts stuff together and sticks it in the oven. matt makes pie.

i have this hatred of all things not fatty salty or hot. pretty much. meat takes the cake. but even i do eat pie. i love apple pie, peach pie, sugar cream pie, and raspberry pipe. its all good baby! but what i like less than sweet baked goods (other than pie) is baking. while we are on that subject, i love bread. and still hate to bake. baking is most evil, only second to computers.

tomorrow is church dinner night and we are making pie and eggs. yeah i know so exciting right? well its cheap and we already have most of the stuff we need. so eggs and pie it is. but whos to make the pie. matt.

so i tell myself, you can do this. just do it. what do we need i ask myselves. well sirs we shall come prepared. knives, of course we need knives. and all that other stuff, but knives are the most important part.

so i go to this web page and it is obviously like SOME people i know who think that cooking is sacred. first place the butter into the freezer. but the freezer can have nothing else in it but butter so there is no risk of contaminating the butter. the precious butter. in fact it would be a good idea to just buy a new freezer so you can neatly display all of your butter cut into half inch by half in cubes on trays exactly two inches apart on organic wax paper so as to not contaminate the butter with the metal or the inferior by product wax. then baby sit the butter. it needs to chill for ten to twenty five minutes. not less not more but the perfect place in between or else you will not get the perfect crust. on a side note you will need to employ a skilled appliance technician to install an insulated glass front on your new butter chilling freezer with custom insulated rubber glove inserts so you will be able to poke the butter incrementally every five seconds until it is exactly right. so after babysitting the butter we move on to the dry ingredients. if you dont get the butter right the first time dont worry, it happens to everyone. just start all over and spare no time or cost in order to get the perfect butter for your perfect crust.....its a small sacrifice.

place all of your dry ingredients into your food processor. pulse exactly six and three quarter time. no less, no more. or its RUINED. take you perfect butter at exactly the right time from the freezer that you have been poking in you newly altered new butter chilling freezer while preparing the dry ingredients. (you will be required to grow extra arms and hands for this recipe, again, a small sacrifice.) add butter cubes, pulse then add liquid ice. .....?.....? yes liquid ice......WHAT!?!....you've never heard of liquid ice!

what kind of person are you. its not water, its not ice, its liquid ice. and if you dont have it you may as well just give up now.

your ice is now added to the mixture and you will pulse but thrice more. and its ready. stick your hands directly into liquid nitrogen...it will only hurt for a moment i assure you.... handle the dough with your rock solid frozen hand only and chill for somewhere between 1 and 67000 hours. you van never be to sure. when the dough is thoroughly chilled roll it out with a rolling pin shaped piece of frozen aluminum dipped in organic wax and dipped in liquid nitrogen and dusted with flour. and gently place into pie stone pie pan with your freshly frozen hands then......PLACE INTO A PREHEATED OVEN AT 350 DEGREES FOR A FREAKING HOUR!

bake the crap out of that frozen tundra of a pie and let everyone tell you how its the best thing they have ever tasted in their whole life and i hope it makes you feel good.

me. i gots some flour, some salt, some sugar, some butta, and some water. slap it in a bowl throw it in the fridge and bake it for an hour and im gonna smother that stuff in ice cream and wash it down with a big ole glass of milk. cause thats the way its sposed to be.

leave it to people to make life complicated. take a cue from your recipe and chill dude.

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

toyota

choices

"if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice", these are the famous lyrics from RUSH, in a song entitled Freewill, and i find it so peculiar that this is true. its so simple yet consistently true. in-arguably true. just try not to make a decision. you cant. you could choose neither yes or no but you have indeed decided and thats the point.

so much of our lives is the choices we make. not important life changing decisions but moment to moment decisions that are necessary for functioning on a very basic level. when you are conscious in the morning you choose to open your eyes, stretch roll over, get out of bed, walk, step over toys, make your way to your chosen destination, all while calculation how much time you have before work, then prioritizing your tasks in that time and what clothes you'll wear and food you'll eat.

thats only upon waking and going to the toilet to pee. just imagine for a moment what kinds of choices you make everyday and then the factors that weigh on your decisions. despite the consequences of your actions that were based on choices more choices lie ahead and there always will. inescapable.

well, short and sweet is the vehicle for progress. i bid you adieu.

MIA?

ok people. i know your world revolves around me so let me say " so soddy so soddy"
i had no intention of leaving you hangin like that. actually i had originally had no intention of dragging you along at all. but know that we are here i cant bear the guilt of just dropping you cold.

so first order of bidness be my boss. AKA Harley.... which is short for, - hardly does anything. he has been a major source of entertainment lately. for starters he has this look. its this raised eyebrows mouth slinked open whadya go in do dad fer kinda look. he does it when hes mad about something. usually something like him being the boss and me not caring and doing what i want anyway. so then comes the look. then come my less than respectful responses which include but are not limited to....

1. why should i start listening to you now?
2.is that just a suggestion or do you actually expect me to do it your way?
3.dude just shut up and let me do my job.
4. Bite Me!

so about a week ago i perfectly perfected in the most perfect way "his look" ...(i already stole his 'tch'). and so now when things get tense i just give HIM the look. and voila, tension neutralized. also, when i say stolen i dont mean i knocked it off and he still uses it despite my harassment. i mean i stole it. since the day he got mad and i did his look and he laughed now he is incapable of doing his look (cause i have it) because he sees it on my face in his head and he starts laughing which gets me out of trouble every time....

so im not manipulative or anything, but as far as i can tell, i have become invincible to any anger or disappointment from my management. Mwahahahaha!

ahem.....


so, that being said my work has been at times long and miserable, but always fun. i have like the greatest boss i could imagine. so much so that im pretty much spoiled for working anywhere else like ever. i have only had my un-submissive attitude toward all and any authority nurtured and encouraged.....im tainted goods :D


well short and sweet ought to be the best way to wedge this waste of energy into my already insufficient amount of day. STUPID lack of day!

Toyota

wheel-hair eye yam-show lap knee seal a- in crawl may Joe!

yeah its a stretch.....but in celebration of my two day streak i had to give a little of myself.

i didnt think much about knowledge today, not as much as i thought i might at two in the morning when i thought about it. but for kicks lets go down that road a moment longer. how long is the literary mile any way? if i say come with me a mile, and so you are required two, how long exactly are you gonna be required to tag along regardless of how dehydrating-ly dry the following text becomes? hopefully its far enough, because despite my horribly misplaced biblical reference which even in legitimate context is horribly misconstrued, i promise to have truly delightful fun for all. so the knowledge. lets get on with it man! knowledge even at its best, is flawed. take the best text books and the most promising scientists research today, give it twenty years and id be shocked and she-grinned i you not only found new material in them, but also corrected material.thats just twenty years, give it a hundred and all of a sudden we are looking like the dark ages back here in the most informational, technological society in history. thats really not saying much is it.

so then theres the "special" knowledge. the knowledge that goes beyond research and basic intuition. this is in the territory of secret age old knowledge that you can not discover but be entrusted with by one to whom said info was previously passed down.

exploring further, in the case of actual knowledge, there is finally divine revelation.it is not flawed, it does not change, it is not discovered, it exists in God. His is the fullness of knowledge. He gives to whom He chooses as He chooses and as much as He chooses. and to whom he gives he also gives the capacity to understand. there is no barrier of intelligence or effort. in the case that he audibly or visually reveals to you in the way that only he, can information he deemed necessary for you to know, you will surely no stand thereafter scratching your head going, "so what now? i dont get it."

the last category i present to you encompasses all of the cases in which people search for, seek after, or claim to have witnessed so as that some secret "special" knowledge is the result. there are too many to name but a few i have in mind are those like dubious conspirators, religious leaders, and the political social class. the list is extensive and these opinions are by no means based on scientific research.....just how i see things. perhaps there are more categories and better argument for and against such a position, but i dont have any interest in proving my case. i only observe and report. theres not much you can say to one who witnesses something and tells you about it besides," i dont believe you." observing something doesnt make what i have to say about it correct, but whats true is how i veiw these things i witness.

the pursuit of knowledge is noble, and fruitful. i love it. unfortunately to this point in my life ive not experienced any divine revelation nor do i have any ties to secret family ordinances (that is, if i did i couldnt tell you.....but i dont) also, i dont really even mind people seeking after meaningless dead end wild goose sort of stuff. after all its that very search that could end up bringing them to real moral conviction. my problem lies with the folks who prey on the ignorant and naive. they give false arguments or testimony and urge people to take serious considerations of their message or suffer the consequences. and thereby holding a power over them as only these leaders posses and can recieve the special knowledge.

so any who, its hunting season. im not hunting of course, but there is some wild game running round the parts. and so i do what i must, and nurture the desire for my young to learn the basic skills of survival.


i think the children have a fairly healthy perspective on animals and thier functions. they clearly respect life but have a strange fascination with hunting and even when presented with the idea of death and blood and these things that are a part the hunting experience they still seem positive . hopefully chandler will join me soon for some sitting. i am planning to watch some deer and explain the basic processes that would take place. and if fortunate enough to see deer on multiply outings work our way up to actually taking a deer and beginning the first steps toward a young respectful hunter. i wont demand my children hunt. but i will try and persuade them to have the knowledge it takes to be effective if they would ever have the need. hunting, gathering, building fire, finding or making shelter. there is much i will give to my children as they become of age and most of it will have some useful application (specifically principles and a biblical moral foundation) but providing for yourself and others in times of crisis are invaluable and unfortunately a growingly less popular area of education. we depend so much on the way the world runs, the way we expect it to keep running. but perhaps there will be a time when in our lives when or our childrens or thiers, that knowledge as important as this will be useful. then again its always been fun just being in the woods and doing manly stuff. :)

i need to close my eyes. this is not cohesive to typing. im outta here.

g'nite

forever and a fortnight....

oh how i love the, let me count the ways...

i have neglected myself. unintentionally mind you. but this is no matter. i love writing. i dont know what to call it, i dont know what im doing, i only know the feeling i get when my mind spills out into this box. (the one you cannot see of course but the one i am typing into currently, the one you likely are fondly familiar with if you count yourself in the blogging lot. thats the one.)

so as i set out to say i have been longing for this moment that has been for so long without precedence in respect to the demands of my life. but now in this moment i wallow in the freedom and pleasure it is to tell you that which you need not know. things that concern me and not you but that i care to broadcast here for my entertainment and yours.

i have pictures, i have themes, i have entire blogs posts stuck in my head begging to be known. but that requires gathering complete thoughts, organizing them, and painstakingly critiquing very words i chose so carefully. the same ones i would have haphazardly blurted out in mere moments to just about anyone with ears.

-by the way i really like the word tremendous, i really do. :)

so instead of killing the moment i will just give you a few words to chew on and leave the real posting for times when life is more suitable for sitting down and being creative....and painstaking...

what is it about people that lead them to seek "special knowledge". not even for the sake of knowing, rather possessing. knowledge is funny.

when i think of knowledge i cant help but think of the garden and that tree. that tree of the knowledge of good and evil. did this tree have special powers. was it just another tree in the garden with only special significance in the sense that God said dont eat of it? when she ate did she have some magical transforming life experience, or was it just guilt. maybe she ate a piece of normal fruit that she wasnt allowed to because God had said. and when she ate it she had only eaten a peice of fruit, but in doing so had now possessed the knowledge of good and evil.

since the beginning we have had knowledge, but not all knowledge. in pursuit of greater understanding we go to great lengths but with no end. we cannot create life, we cannot stop death when it is at hand. in this vast universe we are limited to our tiny speck of a place. in the thousands of years we have been here we have made huge advances in information and the many uses of it. yet everyday we discover more and more still, yet with that understanding comes even more questions than answers.


i can barely keep my eyes open and work is getting closer by the second, i still have so much more to say, so maybe this can be a two part series, but its hard to say when i will return, so take it for what it is. what is knowledge? why do we desire it? what are the effects of it. these are somethings i will be pondering at work tomorrow. looking forward to it already!

crash and burn

what a week. late shift, lot of hard work and immovable deadlines...do or die. i have done better this time around than ever before. my intensity level is not what it should be, but my involvement and temperament along with making the most of the time i had with the family and friends made it just about as good as it could have been.

someone once told me that i need not worry to much about the quality of my work when at a particular job site. i was fussing over some imperfections and being my meticulous self. he just went and said it. " man, its a turd. you know what? you can clean it, polish it, you can do just about anything you want to it.... but when your done its still gonna be a turd"

i really dont agree with that advice. not most of the time. i feel like someone should always make the most of what they have. but in some cases i feel like i can relate. even if your nature is to make the most of the turd. its probably a healthy perspective to at least call it what it is. i mean reality is sobering sometimes. and when your feeling down, and your doing everything you can and still its not enough, it helps to take a step back and look at it for what it is. and maybe.... just maybe, you will see that its ok that you cant do more. maybe you just cant because your doing what you can with what you have and your expectations are just unrealistic considering the circumstances.

this week was a turd. i made the most of it. i wish it was better. but its all i had to work with. in the end, i am just ecstatic to look back and see what a great week it was despite any hardships.

now im ready to crash. watching the steelers game and chillin with the missus. hoping im recuperated by the morning in time for work.

Mattitude!

so i pulled into the "24 hour" steak and shake. i was greeted by a clerk who informed me they had just closed... its 2:45 and i want a shake and your a 24 hour store thats only open till three and your lights on the highway sign and your closed?

"uh, yeah..."

k, thanks for nothin.

so i go to taco bell and get what i didnt want and paid more than i wanted for it. on my return trip i noticed the now fully closed steak and shake where the employee who greeted me before was standing in front of his open hood and shaking his head. i parked my work van in the adjacent lot where i was working and he shouted over, "got any jumper cables?"

"OH! im sorry.... i do have some but they like just closed dude. slow night."

happy trails sucka:)

my attempt at stripping...comic stripping :-)

so its rough, but im trying it on for size. i am really fond of the name and i think i can do a lot with it unless someone has already claimed it of course... should probably check into that. but any who, i am going to work on some character modification and maybe try to develop a few common places in which they may appear. havent decided yet but im thinkin no dialogue. so with out further adieu i give you My Sentiments Exactly



apparently if you click on the images you will see an enlarged photo. as i do not have a scanner, digital photo will be the means of publishing for now. the basic idea is a family with common family drama and or classic candid moments that simply have no barriers. most families should be able to relate in some way but im guessing most could say...my sentiments exactly. we'll see. maybe look forward to one every two weeks or so. as time permits. this was just something i thought of this afternoon. and conveniently i was home from work.

until next time.

mattitude

unconscious consciousness

the title is my current and perhaps mostest favoritest google status yet. periodically it changes. either because a fellow gmailer has posted something witty which demands an attempt at an equally clever response, or i simply am tired of the old one. this one fits.

i was thinking this morning, as i lay in bed reflecting on my dreams from the night, that during the day i almost feel like im dreaming despite my obviously alert state. i intelligently interact with the world around me (most of the time), i use dangerous equipment and drive vehicles, and care for little people. i accomplish just all sorts of things that require movement of my person and even more so appropriately responding when encountering the environment surrounding me.

while i make a good show of my mental presence, i can assure you that i am more often than not in some other place doing something totally obscure. for example, when my wife frequently relays to me things she finds interesting or important she tends to do it in very long periods of time. i find that when she begins her tales i am very much with her. however, much later in the conversation or even at the end i find that im still back at the beginning where we started. i call it a conversation because she talks, i talk (respond appropriately) and so on until its all over. then when i realize that i just missed everything but the first minute of dialogue i confess to her my absence and we have the conversation all over again. and theres no garuantee that i stick around for the second go at it either.

then there are times when she will say to me something and i will think in my head what i want to say. and even think that i said it. unfortunately i dont realize that i have not responded until she has already begun to talk to her self and left me in the dust. " look, see what i did for you? isnt it nice?" she says. "yes thanks very nice" i think. "yes dear, oh i love it! you did this just for me? oh you are so great honey!" she says to her self. "well i thought you would like it." she says. " oh, i do very much, im just so impressed by your hard work and motivation." she says again to herself.....then im back. "What?" i cant help but wonder who shes talking to cause i know it aint me. so she informs me, "well i asked if youd notice what i did and you didnt say anything so i just started talking to myself." " i told you yes and i thought it was nice! what more do you want?" i defend myself. "no you didnt you just sat there." she claims...

so you see, while i am awake more than any other person i know, and perform various complicated and skillful tasks on a daily basis, while also being responsible for the well being of multiply children at any given time, i tend to be a little spacey.

the funniest part to me is the type of things i wander to. its seemingly random, but usually has some sort of ties to something going on around me. if not the conversation i am not aware of then something in my environment that sparked a chain of thoughts that lead to something i could hold on to. for instance, chris is talking about some beans in a soup shes never heard of and she might like to try to make sometime, that makes me think of the beans that the kids planted from the beans they picked off of the beans i planted this spring and how amazed i was that they actually grew, then i began thinking of my silly little garden and the summer we had and how well it did despite the weather, which made me think wow, what a mild summer it was, and then i felt a little smug about all the global warming crap, and then finally i remembered a little portion of a video i recently previewed which explain the relation of the moon to the circulation of the earths water, and the earths water plays a major role in regulating the our surface temperature by absorbing heat from the sun. isnt it funny that the scientist are putting so much concern into the fact that ice is melting in the polar regions (supposedly). if there is that much ice up there that its melting would cause global flooding. and the earths temperature is rising due to rising temperature from the suns "sun spot activity" then wouldnt it only make sense that the earth melt some ice create more water and control the rise in temp. (this would mean that despite the rise in the suns temperature and our ice melting the surface temperature of the earth would only tend to vary slightly in effect) also if the sun did slow in sun spot activity (which it seems to be doing according to the latest reports) then it would only make sense that the resulting even cooler temperatures would then cause ice making in the polar regions and therefore more ice and less water........MATT! ....huh?....." i said what are you thinking about" chris says again when she finally breaks through.

so then im left to explain. usually i just say something like, oh you dont wanna know, but that doesnt usually fly either, so then how do i explain how i am thinking about the sun and scientists and non man made global warming and cooling cycles and my uneducated opinion of them?

speaking of dreams.. i was speaking of dreams earlier wasnt i? my dreams dont have a lot of meaning from what i can tell. most of the time i can even give a logical explanation for their content. but sometimes i cant. sometimes its just random bits of stuff that dont make sense and i chalk up to dreams. interestingly though, seemingly random and inexplicable dreams revisit me in my consciousness further down the line. surely you have had dejavu. i think everyone has experienced it at one time or another. you visit someplace you've never been but its familiar, or you do something you know youve never done but when your doing it you remember something like youve done it.

i have experienced times when i thought i was having dejavu only to then remember that it wasnt something i thought i had done or someplace i had been, but something i had dreamt. ready to be really weirded out. after realizing something seemed familiar from a dream, and realizing i wasnt having dejavu, the dream now seemed very clear and present and i just sat and watched happen what i knew would happen as it was happening because i had dreamt it before and was remembering it now and watching it in amazement as it was happening.... just to be clear this isnt a case of observing the recalling then reasoning. this is observing, recalling, waiting and expecting a specific outcome and watching it take place exactly as i expected it would. when the dream to my recollection stops, so does the seeing of the future stuff, and its over. nothing tragic or significant has ever happened during these instances, and i cant explain it any better nor do i know which dreams it will be or when it might happen. i am just so curious about why this happens and what causes it. if i hadnt experienced it i might have said it was impossible... or at least been skeptical as to why it would even happen if werent at all significant. i dont suppose there is any reasonable explanation. but i hope to find others with similar experiences who might share some input. perhaps it is more common than i think, or maybe there are far weirder experiences than mine. i must say that while it draws the fullest of my interest i realize it is a topic that has the potential of drawing the fullest of weirdos out there and so i dont often talk about it to strangers. in this case there are only a handful of people who actually read my blog and im not concerned about your leaving my high and dry or you telling me that aliens give you dreams about the future so i feel relatively safe.

maybe i should give it a rest now. perhaps next time i will have a cartoon to offer. the latest and greatest in floyd toonage. later

antique roadshow

its 230 a.m. and i am not tired. i worked a good amount today. not too much not too little. i piddled in the yard and played at the park with my younguns and our friends. put the kids to bed and already posted a blog. and here i am, everyone has been asleep for hours. i settled into my space on the couch and flipped through the channels and totally expected to turn in for the night. but my eyes just wont stay closed.

so while i seem to have had a full day and anticipate a 14 to 16 hour day tomorrow i cant tell you how concerned i am that i am not sleeping. i typically dont sleep well. but i do sleep. and when i dont sleep i start to act sort of funny. not funny haha but funny wacko. my already short attention span is exaggerated and im easily distracted. i think about the usual stuff but in greater detail. its like having the radio on and blaring out to your favorite songs, you hear people talking but you cant hear what they are sayin. even better is when i find myself amusing. so amusing that i laugh out loud. and then laugh harder because i laughed out loud and then i cant stop laughing and then by the time its over i am laying on the floor drooling and still nobody has a clue whats happening. i tried once to explain what was so funny, and it wasnt so funny. you know how good it feels when someone who shares your sense of humor encourages you to just keep going but everyone else is like " its not that funny" its kinda like that but you are the one telling the jokes and laughing and no one else gets it.


wow that was just random and i have no idea where i was going with that.

right i get distracted easily. funny. k.

its nice when you forget how you got somewhere to just look back and find the path you took.

its just charming the convenient products they advertise on late night television. are people who view late night television just stupid or are they so tired that they are dooped into buying this crazy stuff. its like hey we have one dollar bills for sale here, AND THEY ARE GREEN! but hurry act now because supplies are limited. if you hurry we will send you two of these fabulous dollar bills for just two easy payments of 14.99. how about the religious people. they sing you a song and ask you if you need more money. then someone comes and gives a testimonial..." i needed four hundred dollars to pay my house rent and i didnt have it. but i saw benni prayin on the tv and he said if i just sent him five hundred dollars that jesus would provided for my needs. and so i sent him my five hundred. i had to sell my car and my blood to get it but i planted a seed and i have faith that somehow some way i will have the four hundred dollars i need to pay my rent so i dont have to make my kids sleep under a bridge.

so basically you have got antiques and poker. the roadshow is awesome but also a little offensive. your wondering how you night be able to save up the money for that new ...... you saw and would make your life a lot easier. then some kid comes in a goes hey i found this in the garage and they are like hey "thats worth a million dollars" but wait" that shirt you are wearing, its from 875b.c. and its worth five trillion dollars" just not right.

i must say this post will fall into the category of like worst blog ever. but it entertained me during my sleepless late night tv watching and i rather enjoyed just spilling out what ever came to mind. so now at 344 i am going to grab a snack and sit here and ponder a bit before trying again to sleep for at least a couple of hours.

if i think of anything profound i will be sure and notify you asap. until next time....

reckoning

i have always heard it said, "a day of reckoning". in my particular case i will have to say it has been more on the order of months.

i have noticed a trend in my life. its called having children. the mrs. and i are quite good at this particular feat. even more than the actual having of children i have noticed that after each child reaches a certain age, about one, i begin to want more children. this has not been a problem until recently when we decided that perhaps we would not have more children. its not definite. and theres always the unplanned pregnancy ( that i can secretly hope for, except that i realize this is a blog and therefore not a means for keeping secrets even if they are in parentheses) but despite our wants, we have issues like money and housing and health and miscarriage and blah blah blah that we face and kinda sorta lead us to try to be responsible thinking adults when making a decision like having more children.

at times i wonder if i am crazy, times like now when my children all fight the inevitable bedtime and sleep. screaming and crying and fighting to squeeze just a few more minutes out of the day. i know that when they scream incessantly and every fiber in my being cringes and i stare numbly into a wall and wait for silence or go into to shock and fall unconscious... which ever comes first, that i must actually be crazy to desire any more of this chaos. i wake up the next morning hoping against my wifes wishes that just a couple of the kids will wake and visit me before i trek off to work for the day. and then while at work thinking of all im missing and how the youngest is just so old already at one yr and that we do surely need just one more.

each child is just so awesomely perfect and completely unique and make my life just that much more full of joy. and while i understand the reasoning for not having 50 children i cant help but feel like im missing out on so much.

well back to this reckoning. basically my story goes like this. bad guy meets girl, gets saved then married then starts having children. thats what i have been doing the last seven years. the big problem i am struggling with is not the possibility of no more little ones, but what in the world to do now that i am probably done having babies. after all thats what i do. we have babies, raise them to little children and have more babies.

but now theres no more babies and a whole lot of uncertain and untraveled territory ahead me.

my latest assessment of my current status in life is this. i am a kid in my mind, only an adult by age and only driven to be responsible by my intensely passionate need to be everything i can to my family. failure is not an option. i am immature and easily draw by temptation and daily struggling to keep it in between the lines. by every measurement i am where i ought to be, doing what i ought to do. but not because its who i am but its what i have to do. and therein lies the completely vulnerable and bare naked center of me. thats not who i am. i have said many times over i dont know who i am. i know who i should be because the bible tells me. and because other godly men are examples for me. but as for who i am. well let me tell you i have not a d@mn clue and it scares the living daylights out of me...(what is that supposed to me anyway? living daylights, thats just stupid. )

if anyone could tell you who i am and do it fairly accurately it would be my wife. she knows me like any spouse knows the person they live with everyday of their lives. but, when i complain about my self she only encourages me and tells me about the good things i should be focusing on... i know what a stick in the mud huh? yeah so i guess i cant complain there but what im trying to say is despite the fact she knows me probably better than myself she refrains from mentioning anything critical or reproachful, which undoubtedly helps my very low self esteem but in turn gives me a very inaccurate picture of myself due to her biased and filtered feedback.

so in my months of reckoning (i promise not to use that word again) i have have come to some conclusions. while that is not to say i havent more analyzing and searching to do, i have in fact rested upon a few things.

1. i do not know what is immediately ahead of me, but i do know what is ahead of me.

2. i do not know how i will get there, but i do know how i will find my way there.

3. i am not mature, but i am learning discipline, which is essential to maturity.

4. i am not the best husband, but i am a good husband and desire be more.

5. i am not the best father, but i am a good father and i desire to be more.

6. i am not the best christian, but i love God , have redemption through His Son, and recognize him as the source for these little nuggets of wisdom.


in conclusion i find that whereas my seemingly endless introspection gives me more questions than answers, and i am left with the determination that i know next to nothing about me or life, there is one who knows me entirely and can reveal to me knowledge and understanding if and when it is necessary.

it may not seem like a lot, but it gives me hope in this time of uncertainty. if there is one thing i have learned its that what you know and what you feel do in every respect stand alone. KNOWING that God is in control and that he loves you despite knowing every flaw about you is still hard to rest on when you FEEL fear and guilt and hopelessness. reminding myself its ok to be uncertain and assuring myself of why its ok to be uncertain will be necessary to my forward progress into the unkown.

breaking things

i was doing some reading and there was presented a question that begged my attention. i have long thought on this topic previously but to no end. basically what draws us, with our differences, together?

i cant speak for everyone nor do i believe it to be universal truth. but in my own investigations i have concluded:

1. while people with similar personalities obviously have similar interests in common, they also have similar flaws in common.

2. people with incongruent personalities, despite their difference in expression or analyzation, tend to compliment one another in areas where flaws exist.

i believe the scope is larger than just personality. it is the person at their base.

basically i give you two categories, things that fit together and things that go together.

on the level of personalities, you have a picture of like personalities "going" together, and unlike personalities "fitting" together.

in the first case the two appear exactly the same. each being particularly strong in the same areas a through f. the lettering representing desirable attributes of a person.

in the second the two are polar opposites. seemingly incongruent.

however when comparing the two sets as a pair rather than individually in comparison to each other you find that the results are reverse.

the before incongruent set when aligned in their respective categorical results make up more of a complete and well rounded set where as the other are even more disproportionately staggered.

alone, each person shows categories in which they excel and those which they fall well short. none are well balanced.

furthermore in the case of persons in relation to one another the "go" together category is even more strong in those areas with common traits while falling even shorter in their weaknesses.

there is the saying "opposites attract". and i believe there is some truth to this thinking. while you may be more likely to enjoy someone for the things you have in common than the things you dont. it is the person opposite from yourself who is going to be stronger and more experienced in your areas of weakness.therefore complimenting you.

as for the persons at their base, i will suggest to you that regardless of the labels we give ourselves, we are each complicated and intense reactive individuals. each with an entirely unique perspective that no one on this earth shares or can comprehend. and while we all show certain tendencies, our potential is not finite. God can and will use us to what ever effect necessary as he sees fit. and you will surely find in godly relationships, marriage to be sure, fruitful gains regardless of personality. but he created some to be feet and some to be hands. and we all will work together as one.

Sold!

today is officially auction day. every saturday is auction day. not because its the only day that auctions take place round these parts but because its the only day i am able to go to auction and still it is only on occasion due to busy schedules and lack of dispensable income.

i have a friend that introduced me to auctions. it all started one saturday morning while we were supposed to be doing some volunteering at the church for various repair projects and on our way to the parts store he suggested we "drop by" (i say drop by becasue we must have been ther at least several hours) a nearby estate sale and see whats goin down.

from that moment on i was hooked. this was no garage sale, this was no gently used scratch and dent sale with still largely overpriced items, this was everyday household stuff in good condition that goes to the highest bidder. have you ever visited someones house and thought to yourself " wow thats cool" "i need me one a dim"..? well, in this case you can actually have it, you only have to be willing to pay more than the next guy to get it. and in some cases the money is raised for charitable purposes and your finding something you need actually benefits those in need of more basic things.

but even more than the auction i have found that the friend is a huge part if my enjoyment. in fact i wouldnt consider going if i knew he couldnt be there. he makes me laugh and imparts his wisdom in very savory morsels of humor. this guy is the best story teller hands down. let me tell you....well i just did.

i have learned a lot from him about being a christian and a father. and i always look forward to the next chance to just hangout and eat together. something else we share in common. cooking and eating.

i am not very flattering with words but in this small way i hope to impress upon you my value of his person and our friendship. even though i could never actually tell him this in person, as he is to manly and would probably feel uncomfortable with such a display of affection. after all he doesnt even drink out of a straw :^)

drum roll please!

and now with out further adieu, i give you .... lion tattoo. (wild cheering in the background)

so there it is. its a done deal and theres no turning back. i am very satisfied with the results and the entire process for that matter. i had a rather pleasant time in the tattoo chair and the pain was nothing to speak of.

so far i have had no discomfort except for the ignorant application of cocoa butter with shea lotion i applied thinking that it constituted the "any hand lotion will do" remark that was given me. apparently NOT any hand lotion will do and in fact this kind feels like the flesh is being eaten off your body when applied to fresh wounds. it hurt worse than getting the thing itself.

so anyway. it is a lion. it kinda sorta represents Christ to me. (revelation 5:5) and in a more specific and meaningful sense it is something someone helped me relate to which ultimately gives me daily inspiration concerning my presence here and my destination. i will wear it proudly and fully enjoy the transition from non tattooed citizen to tattooed citizen.

probably wont be getting any in the near future. but the experience has been fulfilling and i should not expect that i would be hesitant if ever the enticement to decorate myself returns.

so long for now

mattitude

there goes the neighborhood

so i finally gave my boys a mohawk a couple of weeks ago. from time to time the eldest would ask and i would humor the idea. once i even agreed and then between getting my clippers ready and actually cutting his hair i somehow forgot and had to break the news. "dude, i forgot" i said. "what?" he said sounding wounded. yeah it was too late. but we got through it.

so the point is i also got a shorter version of the hawk for a whole in the spirit of fun experience. (which i have already posted both theirs and mine) but it was not intended to last. first i was sure that my boss would be displeased and second i didnt realize my wife would actually like it and encourage its continued presence.

a few days later after watching a friend being ruthlessly attacked by temporary tattoos, i agreed to wear one myself because it just looked like so much fun.

inevitably the classic tattoos and christians discussion followed. Mrs. Floyd already has a beautiful tattoo. as do many of our friends. from time to time i have played with the idea of getting one but i never committed to any thing and didnt feel strongly either way.

basically where i stand is as follows. the passage in leviticus deals with pagan worship. in the surrounding text it mentions things like trimming your beard and cutting the hair around your temples, as well as eating kosher food. many christians today eat lots of stuff forbidden in the law and dont think twice about shaving or getting a haircut. yet they dont consider these actions to be offensive or taboo. i think it basically comes down to two issues. why are you getting it and will it cause a christian brother to stumble.

i dont buy the body is a temple argument. i can understand living with habits that discourage a healthy body or mind, such as smoking, abusing alcohol and drugs, eating poorly, pornography, etc. but choosing to draw on your self (temporarily or permanently) something that is enjoyable or meaningful is hardly disgraceful or pagan worship.

the romans 14 issue is what concerns me most. i have to believe that having a tattoo will surely be seen as good by some and bad by others. it really not even a matter of opinion.

the thing i find interesting is that more than likely those offended will be "christians" or simply conservative people. those that may find it alluring will likely be like minded believers or lost people with whom i will have this new affection in common. i am not by any means getting a tattoo for the express purpose of glorifying God. but i do look forward to the opportunity to share my witness with those who it appeals to as it has particular meaning to my new life.

im diggin the mohawk, and at 430 today i will be undergoing the tattooing process. caution to the wind and that stuff. i am really enjoying myself, and not felling guilty for it.

thanks to everyone for inspiration and encouragement. stay tuned for the results. i will post pictures promptly.

Armed and Dangerous

Before you read any further this is totally in its entirety a TMI blog. so if your feeling like not knowing more than yo need to this is a good place stop. :)

I am terribly overworked. i know there are a great many of people who were previously employed and who now would be grateful for any work especially in great abundance, but i cant help but complain about the insane amount of jobs and their "importance". recently i have had four jobs overlap and require attention on a daily basis. this means that i need to be present and productive at each and attempt to stay on schedule. as a result i am sleep deprived, exhausted, and easily strained which hinders further my ability to balance this work and perform well.

BUT, i did have monday off. and i spent a large portion of it with fun loving friends and made the most of the free time we had there. gas station pizza is always a hit. i cant explain to you just how surprisingly tasty and satisfying pizza from the gas station is. but in a word... WOW. its not the best pizza you have ever had. but it soars above these chain restaurants and their ridiculous prices.

also the setting is perfect. plenty of room for the kids to run, make noise and explore to the extent of their imaginations.

the highlight for me though was something i would have never thought could be so invigorating. if i had known the effect it would have on me i would have rushed at the chance to do it much sooner and more frequently.

below is a picture of Mrs. Floyd trying her hand with a mossburg 500 20gauge with 2 and 3/4 in rifled deer slugs. and then the oh so famous Glock 40.

so in just a few days i have began to question random men and try to understand what exactly it is about a woman with a gun that is just so right.

while i will exclude the details of a majority of responses( try to keep it pg 13) i will tell you the most popular opinion is sex appeal.

now how in the world we (men) find women handling deadly weapons physically alluring i can never know. but something about it just screams sex.

another more thoughtful opinion suggested the authority was appealing. women are usually on the receiving end of authority. and men tend to be less submissive. yet somehow a woman holding a gun and having the potential for exerting her authority over you leads men to in some twisted way beg for the opportunity to be forced to do something that her dangerousness demands. so while im not into the whole bondage thing i can still relate to the idea of having an assertive and powerful lover whos every will demands submission. as she is holding a gun.

so anyway. what ever it is. and in what ever freaky way. all i know is big powerful guns that on their own bring thrill and excitement, are exponentially more thrilling and exciting when my sexy wife is the one handling them.

Mrs. Floyd... you go on witch ya bad self. cause D@MN!

roll over beethoven

well im not apologizing for my selfishness as of late. but i will say that i am surrounded by people who are too good to me and thank God for his grace and for life that i am not deserving of. i have lifted spirits no doubt to some loving kindness and words of wisdom. reality is still heavy but the way i feel inside is calm and collected. not that crazy stuff.

thanks for everything yous whos names shall not be mentioned.you all know who you are.

well today i brings you tales of the sad broken coworker whos ailments are never ending and ever worsening. this year a record of over three weeks unscheduled time off has been tallied. and hes still employed. is this crazy? i mean dont get me wrong i dont want the guy to loose his job, actually i rather enjoy working with him. its just amazing to me that this is even possible.

when i was employed previously for others i was given points, and warnings and reprimands and such, for tardiness. let alone unexcused absences. (which is a whole other miracle which we wont elaborate on.... but i have been given more than my fair share of tolerance for tardiness-thanks greg) but just not showing up at all is a real show stopper. even worse is the "cough,cough, hey(sounding weak and wounded) do you need me today?" which before i get going i will say, why even ask if your not intending to come in any way? cause what like the boss is gonna say yah man we kinda need you here today, and then your like, oh, ok, i guess i will be there after all....riiiight.

so yeah, the real crazy part is hes not even sick. sure maybe he doesnt feel good, but definitely not cant come to work sick.

well how do you know? you might ask. what if he is sick. your just being insensitive. well i wont disagree with you there.

insensitive is my middle name. ask my wife. i am learning to do better when it comes to realizing emotional and rational thinking are not congruent. that feeling a certain way has nothing to do with reality. i experience it myself but i try to deny it until it slams down on me like a nine pound hammer rendering my senseless and curled up in a ball under the table.

but when it comes to work. LEAVE YOUR FEELINGS AT HOME. you are not my wife, you are not my kids, you are not someone i want to talk to about your owies and heartache. you have a job to do same as me and unless you are incapable of breathing you need to man up and getrdun.

working with nausea and diarrhea are not my fondest memories at work. but there were periods between such events that i accomplished great deals of work that needed to be done and may not have gotten done had i not shown up. so what if you cut your finger half off. it only takes an hour or so to stitch it up. get some pain meds and a bite to eat and youve still got a full day ahead of you. before i go to work... which i never feel like doing(seriously why would want to leave the company of my family)... i plan on illness, injury, and working late. anything on that list manages to find itself absent in my day and im all the more happy.

just so you understand what we are dealing with here i will tell you briefly the events that have taken place the last few days and i am not exaggerating.

thursday coworker arrives with elastic wrap on wrist and com plains of swelling and pain. he removes wrap to reveal to me two completely normal wrists and says "look at how big it is compared to the other one." to which i respond "which one is it?"

from that point on most of the crawling carrying doing anything work related work was left to me. to avoid injuring further painfully swollen not swollen wrist.

friday we work in less than sanitary conditions and the one armed bandit assisted me as i crawled around in it. interestingly enough when i saw him saturday, he was the one that was sick, he claimed.

which was the set up.

monday morning like clockwork he phone the boss and said his throat hurt so bad he couldnt touch it.....



What does that even mean!


who touches their throat and what relevance does it have to coming in to work you lazy bum.

so tuesday of course he did not come to work. why? because he was going to the doctor. the walkin clinic doctor. why tuesday and not monday? great question.

so wednesday he did arrive to work but not with any enthusiasm as you might imagine. thats the system. act sick, miss work, come back to work, dont work while trying to get sympathy for a sickness you didnt have that you are currently trying to convince us you did have by your lousy display of acting sick.

so the most interesting part is yet to come.

today his problem is not his throat. the doctor didnt think he had strep and didnt think he needed testing. just threw some antibiotics at it and said "if it isnt a virus this should kill it." see, im not the only insensitive one.

yah, so now that theres no reasonable explanation for missing work what does one do but up the ante. the following is again not exaggeration.

"look, i cant blink my eye" blink blink." see, eye can blink this one but the other one wont blink" blink blink.

i question" so you cant close your eye?"

"well, if i close this eye i can shut the other one. but if i just try to blink, (which is the action of shutting your eye) i cant blink this one." blink blink.

"well....thats weird" what else could i say. LIAR!

but that would just be mean.

so then later on he looks at me and says " i cant even smile with this side of my face (same side as the eye that "wont" blink) see, -smiles with half of his face"

"yeah dude i think my polio is coming back"

at the time i did not mention it but what he meant was bells palsy which is something he claims to have had as a youngin, and i wont deny it.

but still its funny that HE doesnt know what it is and i do and he never had polio as he did not contract the poliomyelitis viral illness and did not become paralyzed as a result.

so after a good six hour work day he went home 2o'clock to get ready for his 330o'clock doctors appointment. at which he hopes to get steroids for his condition which is what the gave him for his lasts episode that was either lime disease or multiple sclerosis. it was a toss up between the two. ???? but any who it was neither. go figure. but they did give him some steroids for his eye that was hurt. not to be confused with the eye that is currently "not" blinking but is shutting when the other one shuts.

but i think that he forgot that the steroids was for that and not for the polio... i mean bells palsy. my bad. i know which diseases i have. dont patronize me!

well, its a five year long story of crazy illness and missing persons but i dont have the energy.

i did stay home with my family tonight and i so need to. except for the shopping outing for middle guy and smallish guy whos birthdays it is this weekend. 1 and 3. thanks again to josh for her making that possible. mucho too mucho.

feelin good. like a latin man should.

a change of pace

the dark clouds still hover overhead. glimpses of light break through the darkness revealing calm peaceful skies beyond what my eyes can see. the weather here is often fair, even better still from time to time. but when it rains it pours. like a hurricane making landfall, the rain and wind and destruction in its path is devastating. there are no warnings, and no time for preparations. just waiting it out and holding with all my might hoping to see the light of day. but the storm continues. it seems to grow with intensity. ive been through it before. it will pass. i will survive. i will pick up the pieces. i will keep hoping. i will learn. i will be stronger. but still it remains. i fear that despite the calm that waits ahead, it will return again. taking me by surprise and leaving me defenseless against its awesome fury yet again. i will cherish every moment of peace until then.

i want to be fun and exciting. i want to tell wildly exaggerated stories that make you roll on the floor. i dont want you sobbing into your sleeves and losing sleep over me. so next time intend to stop this incessant whining that has become my blog.

i miss you mrs floyd. i hope to return to you shortly. your slightly less than stable superman.

Me.

point break

everyone has a breaking point. mine is incredibly fortified. but a barrage of recent attacks have left me feeling vulnerable. all things considered i will tell you life just doesnt get better than this. ive got it all. God, family, job, friends.

this seems to be a reoccurring theme in every aspect of my life. i feel stressed out and miserable, i want to complain. but i remember where i came from and what i have been unconditionally given even presently, and i discount my feelings and bottle it up. perhaps that is the source of my bouts of gloom.

i feel overwhelmed, overworked, and insurmountable guilt for neglecting god and family, and as a result i become distant toward those who need my attention.

i will as always "suck it up and be a man", but its just hard to adopt a good attitude when life gets to be so busy you cant even regroup or recharge or reanything for that matter. this isnt even "bad stuff", most of it is exciting or fulfilling and even necessary.

some popular advice is to prioritize the events in your life and schedule accordingly and make sacrifices where needed. the problem with that thinking is when all things rank of equal importance and nothing can reasonably be deducted you just have to make it work.

whats the whole deal with this idea that you cant complain? i mean whats that all about?


"How are you?" ..."well i shouldnt complain." ..." yeah it wouldnt do you any good anyway"
what a bunch of crap.

you know what? complaining isnt the most positive form of communication but so what. maybe i dont feel like being in a good mood. maybe i dont want to smile and shove more crap inside. maybe im just fine and dandy but i need to just say, Hey! im a little p!$$ed off right now.


i love my wife so much. (another reoccurring theme.) but you know i can tell her anything i want. angry, sad, even indefensibly stupid. yet she doesnt turn away from me. she doesnt look down on me for having a poor attitude, or criticize me and tell me to get over myself. she listens and she loves me.

maybe thats a spouses job. but maybe its all of our jobs. we all have stress. we are all busy and tired and in need of rest and sometimes you just wont find rest. but you should be able to find people who will let you speak you mind even when you are confused or bitter or whatever it maybe. because its healing. and healing is a process. and complaining is a necessary part of my healing process.

see, there is proof in the pudding. i already feel better, and i havent broken yet.


i promise to never lay it on you like i would my dearest (i dont think you could handle it) but i will warn you doubly that i like to complain and i do not take criticism well. so if you dont like my bad attitude keep it to yourself.... cause im coping.

: )

Mattitude

i should be sleepin

its about 12:40 now as i sit here and just begin to post for the day. you wouldnt know it though because i have not had the motivation to change the time on my blog. maybe some day.









i think i might fall asleep at any moment, but my fingers just keep going. its kind of involuntary at this point. my body is shut down but my brain is forcing my fingers to move clumsily about the board. which in addition to my already shoddy search and peck form typing makes for some pretty gruesome typos.

me sleeping while blogging

i like to laugh. tonight mrs floyd and myself searched far and wide for some entertainment only to settle upon "wipeout" the tv series that we had not, until this evening, had the pleasure of partaking in our viewing repertoire. i laughed until i felt like puking. that was no fun. but the experience as a whole is something i will definitely enjoy again in the future.







i managed to keep a lighter heart today toward those of lesser scruples. same kids, same crap, but a much calmer happier me.







i feel a period deepness coming on. im not sure how long it will last this time, but now and again i seem to just autopilot for a few days. still happy still funny still me, just all locked up inside. everything still gets in fine but not much comes out. i recall the months after i was saved from my former life and made anew, i spent countless hours each day just thinking. not reading, or talking or watchin the tube. just thinking incessantly about everything in great detail and exploring all tangents and theorising outcomes and of random scenarios.







i obviously dont have much time to do anything non productive these days. when i am awake i am required to be making my body useful almost the entire time. i dont have much opportunity to sit and do nothing. i think that maybe why i have enjoyed writing so much. i still feel slightly useful and have a sense of accomplishment even if it is derived from the motivation to please myself. apparently i have to justify my pleasures in life in such a way that it means something more than just i want it. or i deserve it or whatever. as much as i want to, i just cant buy into the whole im doin this for me cause i deserve it camp cause the guilt that comes along with it is so not worth the small reward of pleasure. i have lots of leisure activities and lots of friends to socialize with on lazy weekend afternoons. but all of those things are busy stuff. my idea of personal reward would be time alone and without expectation and no guilt. unfortunately i cannot give myself such a thing nor is it something anyone else could offer. its simply unattainable.





leave it to me to want something i cant have. long for something that doesnt exist. i hope in heaven there is a place for a wandering mind. i dont want to know everything. i just want to think about it and whatever else comes up and not have all of the answers to questions so i may revisit interesting puzzling things from time to time. some people read for entertainment. i have always envied such people. but i find that my mind does not allow me to focus well enough to be committed to it. in short stints maybe, but not entire books. i like lots of em but i can count on one hand the number i have read cover to cover.





im not well educated, and i find a new level of my ignorance around every corner. but despite my lack of knowledge my mind is somewhat sharp. it may be all jumbled up at times but there are some profound and delightful bouts of thinking going on.





well there is no stopping point in sight so im calling it quits. good night and God bless.

smells like teen spirit

i have had the privilege of spending large quantities of time around high school kids recently. I HATE them. i hate them more now than i did then.


have you ever seen secondhand lions? well the oldest brother/uncle beats the crap out of a bunch of sassy punk kids after checking himself out of the hospital refusing treatment for having had a heart attack. after disarming them and beating them senseless he goes on to give them the talk.

thats the talk where he explains what a man is and what life is all about.

it seems to me that there is a whole lot of punks looking to get themselves a whoopin and a talkin.

i dont mean to be a downer here. and i am well aware of my teenage shortcomings. but i simply have zero tolerance for disrespectful attitudes and absolute ignorance of life.

if i may? if i knew then what i know now... i would have gladly welcomed the violence of an angry oldtimer and the reprimand to boot.

at this point i find myself with only two things to hope for. 1. i dont end up in jail for battering a minor. 2. i dont hate my own children for being teenagers.

i suppose prayer is in order now. i probably shouldnt be day dreaming about dismantling unruly obnoxious adolescents. although it has been good motivation/inspiration for my demolition work. at least i have a healthy outlet. work.

ok well now that i have revealed to you a glint of my darkside,that is violence, i should probably reign it in a bit before i get all scary on you. thankfully the lord has given me control over the action. he has also given me a 180/90 blood pressure. im like the incredible hulk. except i usually smile when the rage sets in. if i am angry with an angry face. things are just fine. if i am angry and i look deliriously happy, im out for blood. im not sure where the line is or what triggers it, but i cant feel the blood pulsing in my whole body and frankly i feel a little high. or something like it. and then out comes the crazy green dude.

ok i said i was gonna stop so i am. im done. finished.

there was this one time, (interestingly it involved a foul mouthed punk teenager) i was trying to put the kids in the van. our neighbors at the time had a teenage girl. and so these thug gangsta boys kept coming over and playing Mr bad boy. unfortunately for them i was Mr. bad boy and they just hadnt realized. at first i asked they please censor the language and content when my small children were within in the yard. i was courteous and respectful even though they didnt deserve it. not one day later billy decided to drop every bomb imaginable and reference his personal places all in one retarded sentence. my children and i were only a few feet away getting into our van and as the monologue began. only a moment later when blood started shooting out of my eyeballs i turned and told him he was done and to leave in such a way that literally every door on the block flung open with concerned neighbors. the little boy said what sounded like "you aint my daddy" and so i pursued him and detained him and informed him that if i was his daddy hed have more sense than someone who'd offend and insult a a violent convicted felon who'd gladly sit in jail for the opportunity to sweep the sidewalk with his face if it meant the next time he came near my children hed have the decency to not be a tru 2 life gangsta from hicktown usa for five minutes.

im not proud of that. but he did shut up with out my having to injure him.

im a lover, and a fighter. and i love a good fight. :)

Is there a full moon out there tonight?

Oh my goodness!


i must say i am feeling just a little like screaming. not that it would help but i figure if everyone else can do it then why cant i? is there a good logical reason that could justify my silence? im thinkin not. i dont have to scream at anyone. just a long cleansing purposeful freeing participation.

apparently children scream because they have to get emotional release. thats one school of thought anyway. they cant express their anger properly in addition to being forced to constantly do things they do not want to be doing. after a while it all builds up and they scream and cry and then things dont seem so bad.

now i picture myself at the end of my long day. coming home to my family exhausted and looking forward to what i know will be an evening full of bickering children and chores and little to know communication with the person i hope most to spend time with. then upon bed time oh glorious bed time, i find that despite my best efforts to please each and every member of this household my children are just not happy and not going down with out a fight. so comes the screaming. now at this point my good attitude and laid back personality and compassion are hard to find. one option may be to bring the proverbial hammer down, and reign terror into the hearts of the miniature banshees. but a part of me thinks this will not be a good pre-bedtime experience. its hard to sleep when you think your father is waiting around the corner hoping for you to accidentally make the slightest bit of noise so he can make good the promise to beat you unconscious if he hears another sound from you for any reason whatsoever. at that point you might like to fall asleep but why risk it when you know that any accidental sleeping movement may provoke the beast that lies in wait.

so, if you cant beat em join em, right?

well im glad to say that in this short time the house is already quiet and im feeling much better. i may have missed the opportunity to lash out irrationally tonight but i trust my dear sleeping ones will be only too quick to make ready my next opportunity.


one of these days i will let myself go and what a glorious day that will be.

until then i will hold onto what little sanity i have left.

... wow, thats just how far its come. the only thing between me and a padded room is my tiny bit of self control that keeps me from yelling and throwing my extremities about wildly and then stopping to laugh and smile from the comfort it would bring me.

spooky.

all cooped up

well the story is not exactly hot off the presses. not only was this post a day late i had some camera trouble as well which did not allow me too many an opportunity to take pictures.

so on with it man...

there's this house ive been working in... house? .. chicken coop converted into dwelling place maybe? yeah and so when i arrive at what was initially thought to be the job site i was flag from afar to what appeared to be an out building in the back forty.

now up until this time i have worked in entirely extreme opposites of quality of residential and commercial properties. and you will find dirt in the best of them, as you will find clean freak old ladies in the worst. yet on this day i was completely taken a back by the curious little animal housing that was "the house"

on a side note: you should know that i once found a half eaten cheeseburger under a sofa....

i will give you a moment.

well yes. maybe its not all that funny yet, but think of it this way. first of all the homeowner was unfortunately VERY overweight. which adds a little to it for me. mostly because we (at work) have this thing when we see fat (only very very fat) people we stare in shock and when they are out of ear shot we ask, " how many cheeseburgers do you have to eat to get that fat!" and then we laugh until it hurts... every time...

i know what youre thinking. hes goin to hell. but guess what... yeah maybe you are right, we will see.

so any way when we arrived at fat persons house (i know im just so sensitive) only to then start moving furniture and find a half eaten cheeseburger i could not help but to run gasping from the house about to hyperventilate from the irony and embarrassment from having to hide my laughing at someone from that same someone. then try to stab myself in the eye so when i return with left over tears in my eyes from laughing i could claim to have gotten something in my eye with out feeling too guilty.


so there it is. i laugh at fat people and bend the truth even to the extent of injuring myself in order to avoid the guilt of it all.


but really though when were you eating a cheeseburger and then you werent but you hadnt finished it and you werent concerned enough to find it did you just eat the next cheeseburger? did you have multiple ones unwrapped and so you lost track of the eaten and not eaten ones? maybe you had several brands of open cheeseburgers on your sofa and you were doing a taste test comparison taking one bite of each at a time and so then... you know what i dont know.

How do you lose a freaking cheeseburger man! its a sandwich!


so theres not much else to say about the house. its small. it used to house animals.

heres the pictures:


farm house on the right, coop in the back there
up close profile with low window and small doorme standing in doorway looking like gianthead touches ceiling

hawkin it

I pid-E da foo !


thats us. ours all hair cuts broughts to you buy yours truly.
i thought id post it in case i get sent home from work tomorrow to cut it off for lack of professionalism and then you would miss the opportunity for viewing "matts mohawk"


its not technically a mohawk ( hence the quotes ) but its close. i just cant spike it as my hair is too short. my boys got it goin on though. they were cracking me up. they are rockstars by the way. at least they tell me that though... im still waiting on the check and tour bus that goes along with it, but im not gonna hold my breath.

still the thought is fun to consider. i mean after all only a few years ago my life plan was to follow a band tour endlessly and support myself selling grilled cheese sandwiches in the parking lot. thank God that didnt work out, but at least we know ive got it in me to be a roadie.

skype is cool. iben video chattin frequently this week. late at night. its like having friends over. actually its like having friends in a box and just taking them out to play whenever you like. way cool.

tomorrow i plan to post pictures of my latest venture. the coop. you'll understand when you see it. but if your interested tune in tomorrow for details.

a rather random thought just popped into my head, fishing, and of course then so did barri. and then so did the frickin hot weather. then i pretended it was cool and breezy out side and i wasnt working at work or at home and i was reeling in a big fish from a big boat that says lazy daisy on the side of it.

now i feel all warm and fuzzy. thats the thought i should go to bed with. im lucky i dont have something funny like a picture of my mother shopping for "stuff" in my head. then i could never go to sleep. never. so dont you think about it either you. MWA HA HA !!!

sweet dreams:)